my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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