why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
