did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
