Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
