I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
