I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my shit smells like andre
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
