Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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