just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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