??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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