my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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