She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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