Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
