I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My ass is underappreciated
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
