She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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