I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
