god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
