my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
