You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
