And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
