About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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