Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
