So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
