a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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