It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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