can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
two words...techno handjob
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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