Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
