I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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