Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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