i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
