I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize