i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
