I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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