I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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