I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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