my phone needs a breathalizer
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
