Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
