life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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