I feel like I'm in dance class right now
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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