Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
