the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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