i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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