if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize