is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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