Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
