we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
