sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
