Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
