i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
