the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
