You just made me feel so damn special
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
