so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
