there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
