We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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