If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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