he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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