He uses pillows to masturbate.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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